Musings on Going "Home"

Muse, muse, muse... I'm only a few weeks away from leaving Dar for, what could be, a long time. And I am still trying to process it. As I organize filing cabinets, re-write curriculum maps and photocopy assembly music, I am listening to people say, "Kate, go home NOW. You can't breathe!" While that is true, I am also watching the faces of my 10th graders drop when I say, "Your exam is in a month, but I am leaving in 2 weeks," or listen to my 9th graders who so sweetly ask, "But will next year's teacher be as good as you?" To the people who want me to stay, I have to say, "I'm sorry but it will be better if I leave" and to the people who say "Leave now!" I have to say, "I'm sorry but it's better that I stay for a little while." To both I say, "Please pray that I can endure."

I am studying Hebrews with a group of women every other Monday night. Last week, we started a brief outline of the "Hall of Faith" Chapter... Hebrews 11. One of the things we talked about were the "rewards" for the faith of all of these people mentioned, and how they died without ever receiving the "promises." But yet, they endured. Our study concluded with the first few verses from Chapter 12... "Consider Jesus... who, for the joy set before Him, endured..." We talked about the point that the author was trying to make for the Hebrews who had and were enduring heavy persecution for their faith... the encouragement this message of promised rewards must have been. An encouragement to endure... because of the Home that awaited them.

My last few weeks in Dar have been and are a slow walk of endurance. (I say walk because there is no running for me right now.) Every day it is hard to breath. Every lecture I have to speak softly and pray the students in the back won't be too loud. Every moment I hope that the power stays on so that I can sit in the dry, air-conditioned air. But I will endure for two more weeks. Because there is still a job for me to do, students to teach, curriculums to map. Acts of service that were designed for me and that God is giving me the ability to complete. But I can endure for two more weeks... because I know that at the end of this is a plane ride, Dad-hugs, Mom-cooked meals, cuddles and movies on the couch with my sisters, and help. At the end of this is Home.

If there's a harder way...

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both, but being one traveler long I stood. And looked down one as far as I could... and I, I took the one less traveled by... and that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost

Weekly dinner tonight with good friends. One, I hadn't told yet about leaving Tanzania early. She was shocked, as I was last week when I made the decision. But things aren't getting better... sometimes it feels like they're getting worse. Sometimes it feels like all I do is complain about my health. And sometimes, it feels like I am losing my mind because of the medication. It's been almost 6 months of injuries and sickness... 6 months of being envious of the PE classes as I watch them run by my office... 6 months of people praying for my health and healing.

And I'm still sick.

In a country where the Prosperity Gospel is prevalent and practiced, to tell people who have been praying for your healing that you are STILL sick can be embarrassing and confusing. And the response is always the same, "I'll keep praying, You just claim your healing." But at this point, I have started telling people to stop praying for my healing! If God wanted me healed, I would be healed. At this point, it seems like He has something else in mind. So people who want to pray for me, I've asked them to pray that I would be open and yielded to God... regardless of what He has planned. And people look at me funny.

It's not that I don't want to be healed, it's not that I don't believe God wants to heal me, it's not that I don't believe He's capable of it... but if He has something else planned, THAT'S what I want. Even as a small child, when I was talking to my parents about accepting Jesus, my Mom said, "Katie, you are safe. We can keep you safe." and I responded, "No, Mom. I don't want to be safe. I want to be SAVED." (As a 5 year old, I had no idea the weight those words would carry in my life.) And the night before I loaded my suitcases into the car, just barely over a month ago, still feeling weak and worn but needing to get back to my students, my mother remarked, "If there's a harder way, you're always going to take that one instead."

And maybe she's right... maybe I do look for the harder way. Maybe the reason I'm still sick is because God knows I need a break. Or maybe He's given me this personality because the harder way has always been what He had planned for me. Regardless, there are two things I now know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt... 1. God is in control, even when things go "wrong" and "sorrows like sea billows roll" and 2. I don't want to be Happy and Safe. I want to be Holy and Saved.

NOT this Little Light of Mine

There are 2 things I have learned tonight... 3 for which I am grateful.

1. No matter how many you live through, power outages never get easier.

2. It is extremely difficult to check for chicken pox/shingles using only a flashlight and a mirror.

3. A bedroom has significantly more light when a candle is placed in front of a mirror.

I don't know why I've never thought of it before... placing a candle in front of a mirror. Maybe it's because after leaving the classroom, I try to forget that I know things like Laws of Plane Mirror Reflection and the principles of refraction which cause candle glow. Maybe it's because I have only recently brought back the lovely, Ikea taper candle holders which my sister-in-law encouraged me to buy (Thank you, Erin, they really come in handy!) Or maybe its because my mirror is on the other side of my bedroom and when I'm reading by candlelight, I tend to put the candles on my bedside table. Regardless of the reason, tonight, during one of our many scheduled power outages, I placed a taper candle in front of my dressing table mirror and marveled at the many things I was suddenly able to see.

and then the song "This Little Light of Mine" suddenly started to bother me. Yes, Jesus is the Light of the World. Yes, we are His hands and feet. But I can't help wondering if the church would be better off if we all spent less time worrying about how we are going to shine our own lights and spent more time trying to reflect His.

So perhaps instead of "taking the light to this darkened world" we should be thinking, "You know, Jesus is the Light. Let's all go be mirrors!"

The Persistent Widow and Phone Calls with American Airlines

Let me catch you up to date...

Yes, I am going to be in Cincinnati for Christmas because I have a wonderfully supportive home church.

Yes, I do have to fly home.

Yes, it is possible to purchase tickets on this side of the ocean.

No, my travel agent did not book the right tickets.

Yes, this is a problem.

About a week ago, I finally got the confirmation email from my travel agent regarding my flights home. Problems:

1. The tickets were only booked through to Chicago but my final destination is Cincinnati.

2. The "special discount" tickets were $400.00 more than I could purchase online.

So, I have had to scramble to find some appropriate tickets. Cutting a long story short, American Airlines had some great tickets but I needed the reservation to be held.

Enter Customer Service... I call the States and speak to AA asking if my 24 hour hold can be extended.

"No."

Okay... you do understand that I live in Africa and am unable to bring you the cash for the tickets, right?

"Well ma'am you can call back everyday and renew your hold. "

Okay, I'll do that. I call again... I'd like to renew my hold.

"Oh, you can't do that."

What? The other lady told me I could.

"Well, you know these agents..."

No, but apparently I'm speaking to one...

"You see ma'am it's like when you go to a store and there are 5 dresses for $50.o0 and you need to put one on hold. If 4 other people come in and buy the other dresses, then all your left with is the one on hold."

Yes, thank you for the thrilling lesson in economics, now can you renew the hold on the "dress" that is left? After listening to her mumble and plink away at her keyboard for 2 minutes, my phone credit ticking away, I told her I'd call back. Two more times I called back to renew the "impossible to renew" 24-hour reservation.

Two days ago I called, once again to renew the hold, and was told my ticket price had gone up! But the lovely customer service agent (one of the few worthy of the title) found me a cheaper flight that left London later (nullifying the 4am drop-off one of my gorgeous Londoner friends would have to make) and arrived in Cincinnati earlier! Then yesterday, when I checked the reservation status online, it said held until next week!! (Which I was told by 4 different people was an impossibility in their computer system!) Yahooo!!!!!!!

I am thinking there are only two possible explanations for all this:

1. The Customer Service Agent was actually an angel in disguise. (a possibility I'm not ruling out.)

2. Because of my persistence in calling, American finally got fed up and did what I originally asked...which made me think about the parable of the Persistent Widow (Luke 18:1-8).

This parable has always bothered me. As a teacher, I HATE being asked over and over and over again the same thing. In fact, if I give you an answer you don't like and you ask me again, I will only become more firm in my original "un-liked" answer! So I could never imagine how God could want us to ask Him for the same thing over and over and over again. God wants us to nag Him? Shouldn't I ask Him and then trust that He hears and answers? Even when people have explained it to me, I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around it. It still just seemed like distrust and anxiousness. This experience with the tickets has changed my mind... all because of need.

I need to go home for Christmas. I need to be around my permanent people and meet my new niece. Because of my wrongly booked tickets, American Airlines was my only option for meeting the need. If that meant I had to jump through all of their hoops to get what I needed, then that's what I was going to do. Not because I was hoping they would change their minds, but because that's what they told me to do. So I was going to endure until the problem was solved. I think that's what this widow was doing... she had a need and knew the only way to get it met was through the king. So, she continued to jump through his hoops and endured until the problem was solved.

So it is with God and prayer. I'll keep praying, enduring until a "problem" is solved, because God is the only one who can meet the need. He is the only option. So if He says pray, then I will pray. Not because I want Him to change His mind but because He told me to.

A Bored Worship Leader

I sing the song "Blessed be your name" a lot... on Saturday at Worship Practice, for 2 Sunday morning services, and for Monday morning assembly. It's one of those typical worship songs with 2 verses and a pre-chorus and chorus that can be repeated a hundred, billion, trillion times! I love the song... I really do. My housemate even re-wrote the song to fit our lives here in Dar last year! But let's face it, after singing it at least 6 times in one weekend, it becomes a boring song!

This last Sunday at church, we did a great song... before and after the teaching... in both services. It's a simple "1 verse, 1 chorus, 1 bridge" song. Yet, we sang it for 8 MINUTES during the first service! (Yes, one of my housemates timed it.) You try repeating the same words in succession for 8 minutes and see how you feel! I can't even count the number of times we repeated the chorus. Yes, the song specifically related to the teaching, but seriously! Didn't people get the point after the first time we sang the chorus? By the second service, it was new to the people, but repetitive to the worship team.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am bored of most of the worship songs we sing at church. (It almost seems like a sacrilege for a Worship Leader to admit to being bored of worship music... shouldn't I feel the Spirit of God infusing every word and phrase with passion and presence?)

(and now I am wondering if God ever gets bored of hearing the same thing over and over again... Maybe not... Rev 4:8 "Each of these living beings had six wings, and their wings were covered with eyes, inside and out. Day after day and night after night they keep on saying, 'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty-- the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come.' ")

and then comes the question, if the praise team is bored, should we fake it so that "worship" still has energy and passion? or just trust God to touch people with His presence and ignore how we feel? or skip the song and sing a new one?

Where am I going with this blog... not really quite sure, except to say that if anyone has any ideas for some new worship material, please let me know! It's hard to sing the same songs 6-8 times each weekend for 3-4 weeks in a row... especially when many of the songs are written in the same key (Jesus chords anyone?).

While cleaning off my "desktop"...

Now is the time of the year when I condense all of the random files that I have stored on lots of different computers over the course of teaching, rushing, printing, and grading of one school year. While in the process of waiting for files to move to the "Recycle Bin," I ran across a collection of poems from last year's English teacher. I thought this one was a good one...


He Passed the Test

Long before
most of the world's
recorded happenings happened,
Abraham
underwent
his Ordeal by Hope.

He believed God
to be faithful who promised
a seed (concept not viable)
a son (less
than knife-edge survival potential)
a land (one burial lot -
a life-time's total investment)
and descendants in such profusion
that
their number would rival
the stars!

Mixed up, yet
fiercely battling
circumstantial contradiction
awesomely, Abram/Abraham
became the friend of God.

His trusting, tortured endurance,
his strong argumentative prowess,
and finely-honed obedience
crashed through ancient harsh blood-ties
staking all on God keeping his word.

His never-swerving conviction:
THE ALMIGHTY IS, AND HE ANSWERS
prefigured to men's understanding
the God
who raises
the dead.

Abraham's faith has earned him
A posthumous decoration
'Reckoned by God as righteous.'

With inheritance rights for the children.

-Grace Westerduin

Miss Connell, are you staying at HOPAC?

...a question I have received a number of times the past few weeks. As Term 3 closes with Final Exams, Graduation Plans and House Sports Competitions, our students here are beginning to wonder which of their teachers they have to say, "Good-bye" to, and which they can simply say, "See you next year." After many discussions with AIM and the principals here at HOPAC, I have been able to say to my students, "See you next year."

Last "Fall" (aka: the Hot Season here in Dar), God very strongly impressed upon my heart that I needed to stay in East Africa... specifically, here in Dar es Salaam. But I knew that in order to stay on the field with AIM, I needed to take some Bible classes. (A problem faced by all of us AIMers who didn't go to Bible college.) So I started looking into online and distance learning courses. One of the other teachers here, who is also with AIM, directed my to Gordon-Conwell's Dimensions of Faith series. This looks like a great program, and I have already started Survey of the Old Testament 1! However, this takes time.... time... and more time... An issue I have struggled with here at HOPAC.

As a full-time Chemistry teacher, and part-time Swim Coach - Lifeskillz Teacher - Worship Leader, my free time has been limited and scarce. A problem when I need to listen to at least 3 Bible lectures a week next year. Also, HOPAC has been unable to find a Physics Teacher for next year. With a minor in Physics, and 5 years of experience teaching it stateside, it was a conversation I knew would be coming... "Kate, would you be able to teach Physics next year?" At first, I refused knowing there would be no way to teach Chemistry and Physics AND still carry all of my extra-curriculars. After a number of discussions, and prayer from many different people, it has been decided that I will teach both Chemistry and Physics, part-time, next year and drop all of my extra-curriculars until I have finished with my Bible Classes. An arrangement I balked at at first, thinking, "Then why am I here? I could do that in the States!" until God gently reminded me that He didn't call me to stay in the States... He called me to teach here.

So when this school year ends, in three more weeks, I will spend some time in the States with my family, then head back to Tanzania for a few more years of work here at HOPAC. God has been so faithful these last two years... let's see what He has planned next!!