The last time I posted, it was a Monday morning.
That Monday evening, my Dad called to let me know that my Grandpa had died.
I cried a lot that week.
But this post isn't about him.
That was the second death Michael and I have had to face in our short married life.
The first was only a few weeks after we were married... or more specifically, a few weeks after our honeymoon.
We had decided to wait a bit before starting a family... we had only been a couple for about 9 months by the time we got married, so we wanted to discover a little more about "us" before we became an "all of us." But, as it turns out, we weren't so great at the steps involved in preventing a pregnancy and by the time our flight landed back in Columbus, I was nauseous, exhausted and couldn't stand the smell of rice cooking. (Seriously, who knew rice could stink so badly?!?) By the time the pregnancy was confirmed, it was nearly over. And I grieved... by shedding a few tears and saying, "Well, we'll meet our baby in heaven. She'll be easier to raise there anyway."
Because humor is my defense mechanism.
It was after my Grandpa died, and my car broke down so I couldn't go to the Farm, and the laundry was done, and the house was clean that I found myself with nothing to do on a Tuesday afternoon. So I asked God what He wanted me to think about... and He said, "Your baby."
And I burst into tears.
and when Mike called three hours later to say he was on his way to guys night, I sniffled into the phone, "Please come home." So he held me on the couch while I cried a few more hours. All the guilt that it was somehow my fault, anger that my body didn't do what it was supposed to do, loss at the fact that I was a mother but couldn't raise my child, and disappointment from dreams deferred came washing over my husband's shoulder and the couch pillows.
and it was good.
During my illness, when I was suffering without relief and God seemed strangely quiet, a friend recommended this book. It made quite an impact on my life. If you haven't read it, go! now! read it! and I'll tell you what my friend told me... "I'd loan you my copy but you're going to want your own so just buy it now. " (But she's British so you have to imagine it with an accent. :)
There is a passage, from pg. 202 that has stuck with me...
“... how very fragile our faith must be if we can’t just remain sad, scared, confused and doubting for awhile.... We race disconcerted to make meaning and find beauty where there simply is none. Yet.”
I don't like to stay sad, scared, confused and doubting. I want to get to the parts about heaven and resurrection and new life and move on. But that's not the world we live in. We live in a world of hurt and pain and sorrow. And I need to live in it.
and 6 months later, when it hits me that I would be buying baby clothes and painting a nursery and picking out names, I stop and feel sad and let God remind me that He is loving, and He is wise and He has things perfectly timed out in a way that will bring Him the most glory... And also that He's God so He gets to do that.
