Personal Assistant/Mother to Mr. D and Mr. B
Schlatt Industries
Dining Room Table
To: Misters D and B
Schlatt Industries
Bedroom #2
Crib 1 and Crib 2
Re: Letter of Resignation
Dear Sirs,
This letter is to inform you of my resignation, effective 2 weeks from today. I have done my best to fulfill the duties of the job for which I was hired, but it has come to my attention that your requirements/demands far exceed the obligations of my original contract. I have tried to inform you of this incongruity (begging, pleading, bribing, disciplining) but neither of you seems willing to negotiate/listen to me. As a result, I will be resigning my position in 2 weeks time.
Mr. D and Mr. B, you have employed my services as a personal chef and nutritionist since you both first joined the company. I have done my best to supply you with nutritious meals, feeding you whenever you are hungry, changing my own diet to suit your nutrition needs and even going so far as to give you both food from own plate and body. However, Mr. B, you still INSIST on eating old food off the floor and digging things out of the trash can when I am not looking. Last night, you peeled a farmer sticker off of a puzzle and ate his head!
Mr. D, you are no better. You throw an absolute fit when I limit your sweet intake or give you water instead of the coffee that I am drinking. You also insist on eating whatever Mr. B is eating. Even if I have prepared an enchilada casserole, you still insist on eating cold, mashed green beans. I'm sorry but I can no longer serve in this capacity.
Sirs, it is in my original job description that I must keep the house neat and tidy, your laundry clean and ready to wear and the dishes clean. I have attempted to fulfill these duties to the best of my ability. However, you have thwarted my efforts at every step! If I am vacuuming, Mr. B, you scream and insist on being held. If I am sweeping the kitchen, Mr. D, you insist on using your small broom to "help," when in reality, you are just scattering the dirt pile. (Mr. B, you then attempt to eat whatever I have managed to collect in the dustpan.) If I am attempting to wash the dishes, Mr. B, you climb into the dishwasher and try to pull out all the silverware and drink the dirty water that is collecting on the dishwasher door.
When I finally manage, with much effort, to fold a load of laundry, you both cause a distraction (i.e. Mr. D hitting Mr. B in the face or Mr. B grabbing a toy away from Mr. D) then sneak over to the laundry basket and scatter the clothes. I'm sorry, sirs, but I can no longer serve as your housekeeper.
Finally, sirs, I don't know if you realize but a full time job is typically 40 work hours a week. In dire circumstances, an employer may sometimes require 50 or 60 hours to meet a deadline or complete a project. Mr. D and Mr. B, you both require me to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! I get no vacation and no downtime. Sometimes, you even require me to work through my coffee breaks! There have also been numerous times where you both insist that I work all night long! This is far and above what any employer should require of an employee. My health is suffering as a result... I do not get enough sleep, I am living under more stress and worry than ever before, and having a healthy meal plan or a workout schedule seems impossible. I can no longer work under such extreme conditions.
I don't know if either of you realize but I am overqualified for this job. I have two degrees that allow me to teach people far older than either of you. I spent a good amount of money for 5 years of college and now, you expect me to clean dirty diapers and wipe both of your noses/hands/bottoms. This is not an appropriate use of my talents. I'm sure that I will be able to find a job where I can use my degrees, where they treat me appropriately and where I am able to use my brain for solving complex problems, instead of reading the same mind-numbing Curious George book for the 12th week in a row!
In short, Sirs, I no longer have the mental capacity to fulfill the job requirements that you insist upon. I will be retaining my position as mother, but resigning as personal chef, nanny and housekeeper. Thank you both for your time.
Sincerely,
Your Mother
PS: No fair learning to say Mama, Daddy and Da'id. No fair squealing with delight when we walk in the room. No fair tucking your head under my chin whenever I pick you up. My resolve will stay strong....
PPS: Sigh. I cannot withstand the cuteness...
From: Mrs. Schlatt
Personal Assistant/Mother to Mr. D and Mr. B
Schlatt Industries
Dining Room Table
To: Misters D and B
Schlatt Industries
Bedroom #2
Crib 1 and Crib 2
Re: No longer resigning.
Dear Sirs,
Please disregard my letter of resignation. Feeding you, caring for you, picking up after you... all small prices to pay for the privilege of watching you grow.
Dinner will be ready soon... and please stop kicking your brother in the face.
Sincerely,
Mom
