Throughout the course of this sickness, I've started to feel like I've lost myself somehow. At church, I was known as that girl who leads the praise team. At school, I was the loud teacher who likes to blow things up. And in public, I was that person at the movies who laughs out loud at scenes that nobody else thinks are funny. But I haven't sung a song since the first week of February, my students are taking most of their notes on their own out of a textbook, and I haven't laughed out loud without coughing since leaving the States over two months ago. Somewhere along the line, I became the quiet person who gives people a "2 Thumbs up" sign and smiles sweetly at things that are funny. People who are meeting me for the first time have never heard me sing and watch me nod or shake my head in order to be an "active" part of any conversation. When my principal asked for "last words" of encouragement to the other members of the teaching staff, I had to ask them all to lean in and listen closely.
Now, people aren't talking about my laugh or my voice or my "musical abilities." In my "Get Well Soon" and "Going Away" cards, they were saying things like, dedication to my students, great trust in the Lord and faith in God's promises. Not that they wouldn't have said these things before, but it probably wouldn't have been the first thing that came to mind. (At least it's never been mentioned as much as it was this time. :)
I think, in some ways, I have lost myself. I'm no longer the "loud, laughing, praise team leader." Now, I'm simply known as a Child of God.
But I think that's better.
