in Stability

A blog about the Baby... written before we were telling people that we're pregnant. 

Monday, February 11th

A friend had a quote on her blog the other day...

If life were stable, I'd never need God's help.  Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly.  I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run for God. 

(Francis Chan)

I copied it onto our bathroom mirror with Dry-erase marker. It is something I have repeated to myself over and over these past few weeks. What else can you do when you are waiting for the results of a blood test that will tell you whether your baby is alive or dead? 

We found out we were pregnant early... at 3 1/2 weeks. So when I started spotting a week later, it was pretty awful... it was still too early for an ultrasound, too early for the comfort of a moving baby, too early to even tell people we were pregnant. A few friends called, texted, sent Facebook messages to find out what was going on... "why did I go from being so excited to so quiet and scared?" "you're on my mind, what's going on?" "I heard you're pregnant, how you feeling?" So I gathered these people asked them to pray, then held on tight. There was nothing else to do but wait.  

A blood test on Monday to check my initial hormone level... wait, wait, wait. Watch the clock on Tuesday. Try not to lose my mind. Distract myself as much as possible. Clock ticking... slowly, slowly, slowly... willing the sun to set faster, to rise sooner. The sun doesn't listen to me. Follow up blood test on Wednesday... if the hormone level has doubled, the baby is still alive. Wait 5 hours for the results... drive to a friend's house so I don't lose my mind. Pray. Pray. Pray. 

Finally get a call back 15 minutes before the office closes... hormone level has doubled. Praise God. 

Those 2 1/2 days were the most helpless I have ever felt in my entire life. There was literally nothing I could do to change the fate of my baby. God had already written the number of days of his/her life... and it is not in my power or control to change that. But I can pray. and I can worship. and I can trust God. and I can give up control. 

and this is not the last time in this Baby's life that I will have to do that. It is only the beginning of this lesson... and in the end, God will still be more faithful, more loving and more good than I can ever understand.