If there's a harder way...

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both, but being one traveler long I stood. And looked down one as far as I could... and I, I took the one less traveled by... and that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost

Weekly dinner tonight with good friends. One, I hadn't told yet about leaving Tanzania early. She was shocked, as I was last week when I made the decision. But things aren't getting better... sometimes it feels like they're getting worse. Sometimes it feels like all I do is complain about my health. And sometimes, it feels like I am losing my mind because of the medication. It's been almost 6 months of injuries and sickness... 6 months of being envious of the PE classes as I watch them run by my office... 6 months of people praying for my health and healing.

And I'm still sick.

In a country where the Prosperity Gospel is prevalent and practiced, to tell people who have been praying for your healing that you are STILL sick can be embarrassing and confusing. And the response is always the same, "I'll keep praying, You just claim your healing." But at this point, I have started telling people to stop praying for my healing! If God wanted me healed, I would be healed. At this point, it seems like He has something else in mind. So people who want to pray for me, I've asked them to pray that I would be open and yielded to God... regardless of what He has planned. And people look at me funny.

It's not that I don't want to be healed, it's not that I don't believe God wants to heal me, it's not that I don't believe He's capable of it... but if He has something else planned, THAT'S what I want. Even as a small child, when I was talking to my parents about accepting Jesus, my Mom said, "Katie, you are safe. We can keep you safe." and I responded, "No, Mom. I don't want to be safe. I want to be SAVED." (As a 5 year old, I had no idea the weight those words would carry in my life.) And the night before I loaded my suitcases into the car, just barely over a month ago, still feeling weak and worn but needing to get back to my students, my mother remarked, "If there's a harder way, you're always going to take that one instead."

And maybe she's right... maybe I do look for the harder way. Maybe the reason I'm still sick is because God knows I need a break. Or maybe He's given me this personality because the harder way has always been what He had planned for me. Regardless, there are two things I now know for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt... 1. God is in control, even when things go "wrong" and "sorrows like sea billows roll" and 2. I don't want to be Happy and Safe. I want to be Holy and Saved.